Category Archives: Family

Lessons Learned During the First Month of Scott’s Absence

He left for the other coast on July 13, which is to say: a hundred years ago. Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned in the past month of temporary single parenting:

• Check your gas tank, because no one else will.

• The second your husband leaves, every hard-to-reach light bulb in the house will burn out in despair. He’s GONE?? Oh, woe! Henceforth shall I shine no more! :::pop:::

• You and your five children will never, ever be on time for church.

• But laundry is easy, if you know the secret.

• The days will be long, and yet every Wednesday morning you will swear it has only been ten minutes since the LAST time you woke up in a panic because the garbage trucks were driving by your house and you forgot to put the trash out again.

• Except for the week you remember to put it out early, because that will be the week the waste disposal company decides to change its pickup day to Monday, which means you have already missed it again.

• You will not turn on the TV all month, because there is nothing to watch worth watching alone.

• If you post too many pictures of the baby doing new and adorable things, you will break his heart.

• If you do not post them, you will also break his heart.

• You will attempt to take your mind off how much you miss him by introducing your children to all the showtunes you never played while he was around because they drive him crazy.

• It won’t work.

• But the kids will think you are the coolest mom ever, because you know all the words to every song in Annie. And Fiddler on the Roof. And Les Miz. And Snoopy. But not Oklahoma, because that wouldn’t be cool.

• You will be shocked to discover how many different things in your house run on batteries—batteries which have apparently made a suicide pact with the light bulbs.  You will begin to wonder how your husband ever had time to get any work done, what with all the shopping for and replacing of light bulbs and batteries he must have been doing when you didn’t notice.

• Sooner or later there will come a night when it takes you until 10:30 to finally get all the kids in bed, and afterward you will pace the house like a caged tiger because you NEED CHOCOLATE and you are OUT. You are out, of course, because you ate every bit in the house, right down to the bag of chocolate chips that was supposed to become cookies for your neighbor. (When you write about it, you will hope that your neighbor does not read your blog.) You’ll be on the phone with your husband and he’ll want to know what on earth is making that sound in the background, like the sound of kitchen cabinets being ripped out of the wall and shaken upside down. And you will explain that you are OUT OF CHOCOLATE. These are words that must always be said in capitals all the time because they are TRAGIC.

There will be a short silence on his end of the phone, and then he will say in a voice so tender it makes you want to cry (or else eat a lot more chocolate): "Go look in my office. On the shelf."

And you will find there what he stashed away for you before he left, because he knew this day would come, and he will never, ever let you down.

Ritter_1

How does he love me? Let me count the bars.

I Think I’ve Found a Kindred Spirit

I swear it’s like Jill at The Happy Homefront has been watching footage of my life:

"Okay, this is the plan; we’ll divide into three teams. Each big kid will take a smaller one by the hand, and I will carry the baby in the sling. You will wait for my signal, and when I say it’s clear, we will cross the street together. Once in the building, bigger kids will continue to hold the hand of their assigned smaller child, and you will direct their attention away from the candy. We are not purchasing sweets, we will make cookies this afternoon at home. If we are separated, remember your training! We never leave a man (or a toddler) behind! Are you ready? Operation Grocery Store: Execute!"

Yes! Exactly! I do feel sometimes as if I have to be a strategic mastermind in order to accomplish the simplest, most mundane tasks. Like the carseat situation. Frankly, I seem to be slipping in the mastermindery department when it comes to figuring out how to fit my five kids into our minivan.

See, all my kids are small for their age. Even Jane, who just turned eleven, isn’t tall enough to go without a booster yet—unboosted, the seatbelt cuts across her neck, which isn’t safe. But it is darn near impossible to fit three booster seats, one toddler carseat, and an infant seat into the back of our Honda Odyssey. I have tried every configuration possible and the only arrangement that fits all five seats has the three older girls wedged into the back row so tight that not one of them can reach her own seatbelt. I have to scrunch back there myself and wrangle the buckles into their sockets. It’s laughable, the amount of time this process takes. Forget buying ice cream at the grocery store because it’ll be thawed by the time we finally roll out of the parking lot.

I know there’s got to be a better solution. Maybe I can find some other way to boost Jane high enough for the seatbelt to fit right, a phone book/cushion combination or I don’t know, something narrower than a booster seat but still firm enough to lift her up the necessary four or five (?) inches.

Either that or we’ll just have to stay home until the kid hits a growth spurt.

(She’d better hurry up—we’ve got a big fat road trip in the [we hope] near future.)

The New Abnormal

(Before I start talking about the tremendous change in our lives that began today, I should just mention in passing that we live in a fishbowl, surrounded by eagle-eyed neighbors, many with guns. One of them, the guy across the street, is a cop. Next to him is a retired gentleman who spends his days sitting on the front porch lovingly polishing his collection of rifles. The guy on our left is captain of the neighborhood watch. Every time I sneeze, a chorus of bless-you rings up and down the street, because these people have their ears open. Just, you know, putting that out there.)

So. Yesterday was Scott’s last day as a stay-at-home dad. I wrote a very long post about that, about how incredible it has been to have him at home full time these past eight years—a rhapsody about how he was there to rock newborn Rose while I wrote Little House by Boston Bay, there
to grind up Jane’s chemo pills and hide them in spoonfuls of (prepare
to gag) ketchup, there to haul yet another load of spitty baby clothes
to the laundromat
and there for so many other things that I realized it wasn’t a post, it was a novel, and anyway he’d be reading it in a lonely hotel room several states away and that probably wasn’t a nice thing to do to him on his first night away from the family he is so crazy about.

So I bailed on that post, for now. Maybe I’ll finish it someday or maybe I’ll just write the book. Not anytime soon because now I am flying solo with five little kids and a house to keep very very clean for that buyer who is even now thinking if only I can find a house with a blue room big enough to sleep six children, and a cunning basement office with nice big windows and an attractive laminate floor, and an abundance of prolific berry plants in the backyard not to mention a nesting pair of bluebirds every spring and also many compassionate and watchful neighbors such as an officer of the law and a captain of the neighborhood watch…if only I can find a house like that, I shall be tremendously happy.

I didn’t do much in the way of keeping the house clean today for that prospective buyer who will be so tremendously happy here—but not as happy as we have been because that is simply NOT POSSIBLE—because I had to spend the first part of the day pretending I wasn’t crying because daddy was leaving and the second part of the day wiping everyone’s tears because daddy had left. We attempted to console ourselves by setting up a brand new blog—for daddy’s eyes only!—because yes, geekiness is genetic and my children have inherited it in full force.

Later I discovered that Elizabeth had written a post just for me containing that exact advice: blog to ease the pain of separation. She also recommends making a point of "sharing the minutia" of our days while we’re apart, which makes me feel much better about having already had nine or ten cellphone conversations with Scott since he left. Because, you know, how could I NOT tell him about how I was just heaving a sigh of relief over having gotten four out of five kids to bed with just the very sleepy baby to go when Rose burst into the room (catapulting baby out of sleepy into oh so very wide awake and waking up Wonderboy in the process) to announce that Beanie had just thrown up all over her bed. "Oh, and also there’s some in my hair, Mommy."

The good news: Beanie isn’t sick. Apparently she was just laughing so hard it made her lose her dinner. The whole thing struck me as so ridiculously funny—that my inauguration into flying solo should be a Yaya-Sisterhoodesque frenzy of scrubbing vomit off one kid’s mattress and out of another kid’s hair at 9:30 at night with a kitchen full of dishes waiting for me—that I was overcome with giggles, which of course set all the girls off and almost made Beanie toss her cookies again. When I left the room, icky sheets on one arm and bright-eyed baby on the other, the girls were arguing about who would get to blog about this in the morning.

Well, ha, I beat them to it.

How to Panic Your Children

And here I thought I was just being efficient. I decided to get a jump on dinner so I mixed up a marinade for the chicken. Now I’m listening to an intense and fear-tinged conversation:

Rose: “But we didn’t have lunch!”

Beanie: “I know that.”

Rose: “But Mommy’s making dinner! That means we missed lunch!”

Beanie (gasps): “What???”

No, Thank YOU

Wonderboy sees that his baby sister has spit up a little, so he trots off to find a burp cloth. He brings it to her, dabs her mouth, then touches his free hand to her chin, flat-palmed, and pulls the hand out and away—helping her sign “thank you.”

“Hank oo,” he says, in case I missed it.

I’m glad I didn’t.

A Bean by Any Other Name Would Be as Sweet

Beanie’s hair is like an eighth member of the family. (Oh my goodness. We are a family of seven now. I am still getting used to saying that.) This time of year, it embraces the humidity and exhibits more personality than ever. In certain weather, the child looks ready for a Welcome Back Kotter reunion. It is glorious hair, the kind you can’t keep your hands off, the kind no passing stranger can resist commenting about.

Today we were headed home from the pool, depressingly dry. Thunder and lightning had commenced just as the kids kicked off their flip-flops, and the life guard somberly shook her head. We turned to trudge home, the rising wind whipping Beanie’s curls into a frenzy.

Our friend Lisa met us in the parking lot. “Hey, Fuzzhead,” she greeted Beanie affectionately.

Beanie (who seldom glowers) glowered. “I don’t like being called Fuzzhead,” she said quietly.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” said Lisa. “What do you like to be called?”

Beanie pondered. Her eyes brightened and she nodded with satisfaction.

“Monkey!”

Well, of course. Monkey is ever so much more dignified than Fuzzhead.