Category Archives: Family Adventures

A Wave of Understanding

We had a birthday here yesterday. I call her Jane, he calls her Max (a baby nickname, from when she made the funniest growling noises—like a Wild Thing—and Max is the friend of the Wild Things, you recall).

She can’t possibly be twelve. It was just the other day that I was toting her in the sling all over Manhattan and Queens. Sometimes we took the stroller along, to hold our groceries. Scott favored the backpack, especially while vacuuming. I tried it once. I missed having her up front, on my hip, where I could kiss the top of her head. Also, I got stuck between the inner and outer doorways of our building’s vestibule when we came home. The outer door opened inward, and the inner door opened out, and there wasn’t room for the first door to close with me and the backpack inside the vestibule, so that I needed to hold the first (big, heavy) door open while opening the second one too. And I didn’t have the muscle power. (This has ever been a challenge of my motherhood. I’m a shrimp.) The outer door began to swing shut while I was trying to maneuver the second one open, and it wedged the backpack frame so tightly that I couldn’t budge. Jane chose this moment to start pulling my hair, and I had no free hands with which to stop her. She was laughing, so at least I knew she was all right.

I don’t actually remember how we escaped from our predicament. Did the landlords come to our rescue?

After that, I stuck to the sling.

She could practically wear her baby sister in a sling now. Sometimes Rilla lunges out of my arms toward Jane, crowing with laughter. I think about baby Jane chuckling over her fistfuls of my hair, unaware that the heavy door threatened to slam shut on her. Laughter and Jane go together; she is a throw-back-her-head- and-howl sort of girl, always quick to see the joke, even when it’s on her. Scott wrote about how she laughed yesterday, out on a seawall by the harbor-seal beach, when a wave broke against the wall and splashed her with spray. I was back on the shore with Rilla (in the sling), watching through the camera’s zoom lens.

That will be increasingly the pattern, won’t it? I’ll be standing on the shore, watching her venture farther and farther out to sea? Reality breaks over you like a wave sometimes, drenching you with salt spray. Babies grow up. They untangle their fingers from your hair and turn their faces toward the great blue expanse of the horizon. They throw back their heads and laugh, welcoming the adventure.

“Some Breezy Open Wherein It Seemeth Always Afternoon”

I’ve been looking for the passage I know is in one of Charlotte Mason’s books about making sure children have one or two favorite nature-spots to visit on a regular basis: a park, a garden, a particular wood, a shore, that is visited over and over in all seasons, so that the children may grow familiar with the plants, birds, and beasts that live there, and see how things change throughout the course of a year.

I can’t find the quote, but I know it’s there somewhere: in Home Education, most likely. Miss Mason’s recommendation impressed itself strongly upon me as a young mother in New York, and I dutifully (a delightful duty it was) looked about for a suitable spot or two. I wound up with three, and with bitsy Jane and baby Rose I made pilgrimages to at least one of them every week for years, so that bitsy Jane became bigger Jane and baby Rose was bitsy, and Beanie became the baby.

One of our haunts was the beautiful garden you might have seen recently in the background of Alice’s Midsummer Night’s Dream pictures. And yes, on those outings Alice and her bonny clan were usually by our side—Alice, naturally, having been the person to introduce me to the garden in the first place. A weathered journal filled with Jane’s primitive sketches of flowers from that garden remains one of my most cherished mementos of those green-golden days.

This place was our other favorite spot: five minutes from home, with woods to tramp in and a long stretch of rocky, sandy shore on the Long Island Sound. Sands Point was our year-round nature spot, the place we went to crunch over snow through leafless woods, or to hunt for horseshoe crabs and bury our feet in wet sand.

Beesflowers

In Virginia, we were so blessed as to have nature trails around the undeveloped perimeter of our neighborhood, the trailhead lying at the bottom of our very own street. On those leafy paths we learned "the green ways of growing." We met a woodchuck, several snakes, some woodpeckers, a bevy of chickadees, and, once, a terrifying dog. There was a fallen tree all the kids called a fort, and a creek for floating fairy-leaves down, and stones for skipping, and a long hike through a marshy meadow to a lake where the Canada geese congregated on October evenings. A bald eagle was rumored to live there, though we never saw him.

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We also frequented Ivy Creek Natural Area, the site of Jane’s best butterfly encounters. It was there we became acquainted with the beech and the sassafras, the wingstem and the woolly aphid. I always meant to spend more time at Ivy Creek than just the once-a-month summer butterfly walks (and the annual native plant sale); but the years we lived there were dominated by Wonderboy’s medical adventures, and we didn’t make it out as often as I’d have liked.

Now here we are in San Diego. Our first six tumultuous months of settling in are behind us. We have only just begun to explore all that is new and delicious in this part of the country; before we arrived, a sweet friend sent us a two-inch-thick book of Fun Places to Go with Kids in Southern California, and though we’ve had a busy and adventure-packed six months, we’ve only made our way through the tiniest sliver of that book. (Blame the Zoo: we keep going back and back for more.) But I find myself drawing a breath and knowing it’s time to find "our spots"—a Sands Point, an Ivy Creek, a place or two we can be more than just acquainted with: a place or two to know intimately.

The quest itself is one of the great delights of moving someplace new. In New York, there was a third "our spot": a lovely garden tucked in the midst of suburbia, a quiet oasis of pond and flowered path. There, too, we often rendezvoused with Alice and her girls (we moved just weeks after Patrick’s birth), and Alice and I would sit in the shade while our little lasses counted turtles in the pond. You could drive right by this garden and have no idea it was there; I think I did drive by probably hundreds of times before I ever set foot through the gates into that little Eden.

Sometimes, as I drive around this western city, I wonder what Edens lie hidden beyond the highway.

I love knowing they’re there, waiting for us to discover them. Our places, our spots: they are waiting for us. What will they be? A ribbon of beach, where we’ll find tidepools and singing waves? A hidden garden, lush and tropical? A windy hilltop where lizards bejewel the warm stones? A place where we will learn the blue, the brown, the golden ways of growing?

Nearryesussex

A couple of weeks ago, we met some young women who are running a nature studies camp for children this summer. I got to chatting with them, and before I knew it, I had booked one of them to come out to our neighborhood for a guided nature walk sometime soon. One must be on a first name basis with the trees and shrubs one sees every day! This young woman is just our sort of person; she’s into "urban foraging," aka "picking weeds to eat on your salad"—aka "Jane’s kind of person." (My Virginia friends are reading this and laughing, recalling how Jane taught their children to nibble chickweed for iron and violets for vitamin C. Playing in our yard generally meant going home with green teeth.)

After this nice urban forager introduces us to our leafy green neighbors, I’m going to have her take us farther afield, perhaps to Mission Trails Park, where Father Serra, our family’s new patron saint, once trod.

I still can’t find the Charlotte Mason quote I want. Here, though, is what she has to say about "Out-of-Door Life for the Children":

Meals out of Doors.––People who live in the country know the value of fresh air very well, and their children live out of doors, with intervals within for sleeping and eating. As to the latter, even country people do not make full use of their opportunities. On fine days when it is warm enough to sit out with wraps, why should not tea and breakfast, everything but a hot dinner, be served out of doors? For we are an overwrought generation, running to nerves as a cabbage runs to seed; and every hour spent in the open is a clear gain, tending to the increase of brain power and bodily vigour, and to the lengthening of life itself. They who know what it is to have fevered skin and throbbing brain deliciously soothed by the cool touch of the air are inclined to make a new rule of life, Never be within doors when you can rightly be without.

Graybird
Besides, the gain of an hour or two in the open air, there is this to be considered: meals taken al fresco are usually joyous, and there is nothing like gladness for converting meat and drink into healthy blood and tissue. All the time, too, the children are storing up memories of a happy childhood. Fifty years hence they will see the shadows of the boughs making patterns on the white tablecloth; and sunshine, children’s laughter, hum of bees, and scent of flowers are being bottled up for after refreshment.

For Dwellers in Towns and Suburbs.––But it is only the people who live, so to speak, in their own gardens who can make a practice of giving their children tea out of doors. For the rest of us, and the most of us, who live in towns or the suburbs of towns, that is included in the larger question––How much time daily in the open air should the children have? And how is it possible to secure this for them? In this time of extraordinary pressure, educational and social, perhaps a mothers first duty to her children is to secure for them a quiet growing time, a full six years of passive receptive life, the waking part of it spent for the most part out in the fresh air. And this, not for the gain in bodily health alone––body and soul, heart and mind, are nourished with food convenient for them when the children are let alone, let to live without friction and without stimulus amongst happy influences which incline them to be good.

Possibilities of a Day in the Open.––I make a point, says a judicious mother, of sending my children out, weather permitting, for an hour in the winter, and two hours a day in the summer months. That is well; but it is not enough. In the first place, do not send them; if it is anyway possible, take them; for, although the children should be left much to themselves, there is a great deal to be done and a great deal to be prevented during these long hours in the open air. And long hours they should be not two, but four, five, or six hours they should have on every tolerably fine day, from April till October. Impossible! Says an overwrought mother who sees her way to no more for her children than a daily hour or so on the pavements of the neighbouring London squares. Let me repeat, that I venture to suggest, not what is practicable in any household, but what seems to me absolutely best for the children; and that, in the faith that mothers work wonders once they are convinced that wonders are demanded of them. A journey of twenty minutes by rail or omnibus, and a luncheon basket, will make a day in the country possible to most town dwellers; and if one day, why not many, even every suitable day?

Oh, Charlotte, Charlotte, how I love you. You are, I suppose, assuming I have a cheery, red-cheeked housemaid to keep my home in order while I spend not two, but four, five, or six hours a day outside with my children…and of course in this particular book you are speaking of my youngest children only, the six-and-under crowd. What you do not realize, my dear, is that I’m a devotee of your later writings, and my days are therefore arranged so as to allow for lengthy reading sessions replete with narration.  But, please, do go on.

Supposing we have got them, what is to be done with these golden hours, so that every one shall be delightful? They must be spent with some method, or the mother will be taxed and the children bored. There is a great deal to be accomplished in this large fraction of the children’s day. They must be kept in a joyous temper all the time, or they will miss some of the strengthening and refreshing held in charge for them by the blessed air. They must be let alone, left to themselves a great deal, to take in what they can of the beauty of earth and heavens; for of the evils of modern education few are worse than this––that the perpetual cackle of his elders leaves the poor child not a moment of time, nor an inch of space, wherein to wonder––and grow. At the same time, here is the mother’s opportunity to train the seeing eye, the hearing ear, and to drop seeds of truth into the open soul of the child, which shall germinate, blossom, and bear fruit, without further help or knowledge of hers. Then, there is much to be got by perching in a tree or nestling in heather, but muscular development comes of more active ways, and an hour or two should be spent in vigorous play; and last, and truly least, a lesson or two must be got in.

No Story-Books.––Let us suppose mother and children arrived at some breezy open wherein it seemeth always afternoon. In the first place, it is not her business to entertain the little people: there should be no story-books, no telling of tales, as little talk as possible, and that to some purpose. Who thinks to amuse children with tale or talk at a circus or pantomime? And here, is there not infinitely more displayed for their delectation? Our wise mother, arrived, first sends the children to let off their spirits in a wild scamper, with cry, hallo, and hullaballo, and any extravagance that comes into their young heads. There is no distinction between big and little; the latter love to follow in the wake of their elders, and, in lessons or play, to pick up and do according to their little might. As for the baby, he is in bliss: divested of his garments, he kicks and crawls, and clutches the grass, laughs soft baby laughter, and takes in his little knowledge of shapes and properties in his own wonderful fashion––clothed in a woollen gown, long and loose, which is none the worse for the worst usage it may get.

    II.––Sight-Seeing

By-and-by the others come back to their mother, and, while wits are fresh and eyes are keen, she sends them off on an exploring expedition––Who can see the most, and tell the most, about yonder hillock or brook, hedge, or copse. This is an exercise that delights children, and may be endlessly varied, carried on in the spirit of a game, and yet with the exactness and carefulness of a lesson.

How to See.––Find out all you can about that cottage at the foot of the hill; but do not pry about too much. Soon they are back, and there is a crowd of excited faces, and a hubbub of tongues, and random observations are shot breathlessly into the mother’s ear. ‘There are bee-hives.’ ‘We saw a lot of bees going into one.’ ‘There is a long garden.’ ‘Yes, and there are sunflowers in it.’ ‘And hen-and-chicken daisies and pansies.’ ‘And there’s a great deal of pretty blue flowers with rough leaves, mother; what do you suppose it is?’ ‘Borage for the bees, most likely; they are very fond of it.’ ‘Oh, and there are apple and pear and plum trees on one side; there’s a little path up the middle, you know.’ ‘On which hand side are the fruit trees?’ ‘The right––no, the left; let me see, which is my thimble-hand? Yes, it is the right-hand side.’ ‘And there are potatoes and cabbages, and mint and things on the other side.’ ‘Where are the flowers, then?’ ‘Oh, they are just the borders, running down each side of the path.’ ‘But we have not told mother about the wonderful apple tree; I should think there are a million apples on it, all ripe and rosy!’ ‘A million, Fanny?’ ‘Well, a great many, mother; I don’t know how many.’ And so on, indefinitely; the mother getting by degrees a complete description of the cottage and its garden.

Educational Uses of Sight-Seeing.––This is all play to the children, but the mother is doing invaluable work; she is training their powers of observation and expression, increasing their vocabulary and their range of ideas by giving them the name and the uses of an object at the right moment,––when they ask, ‘What is it?’ and ‘What is it for?’ And she is training her children in truthful habits, by making them careful to see the fact and to state it exactly, without omission or exaggeration. The child who describes, ‘A tall tree, going up into a point, with rather roundish leaves; not a pleasant tree for shade, because the branches all go up,’ deserves to learn the name of the tree, and anything her mother has to tell her about it. But the little bungler, who fails to make it clear whether he is describing an elm or a beech, should get no encouragement; not a foot should his mother move to see his tree, no coaxing should draw her into talk about it, until, in despair, he goes off, and comes back with some more certain note––rough or smooth bark, rough or smooth leaves,––then the mother considers, pronounces, and, full of glee, he carries her off to see for himself.

Discriminating Observation.––By degrees the children will learn discriminatingly every feature of the landscapes with which they are familiar; and think what a delightful possession for old age and middle life is a series of pictures imaged, feature by feature, in the sunny glow of the child’s mind! The miserable thing about the childish recollections of most persons is that they are blurred, distorted, incomplete, no more pleasant to look upon than a fractured cup or a torn garment; and the reason is, not that the old scenes are forgotten, but that they were never fully seen. At the time, there was no more than a hazy impression that such and such objects were present, and naturally, after a lapse of years those features can rarely be recalled of which the child was not cognisant when he saw them before him.

III.––’Picture-Painting’

Lilyofthevalleyarrangement
Method of.
––So exceedingly delightful is this faculty of taking mental photographs, exact images, of the beauties of Nature we go about the world for the refreshment of seeing, that it is worth while to exercise children in another way towards this end, bearing in mind, however, that they see the near and the minute, but can only be made with an effort to look at the wide and the distant. Get the children to look well at some patch of landscape, and then to shut their eyes and call up the picture before them, if any bit of it is blurred, they had better look again. When they have a perfect image before their eyes, let them say what they see. Thus: ‘I see a pond; it is shallow on this side, but deep on the other; trees come to the waters edge on that side, and you can see their green leaves and branches so plainly in the water that you would think there was a wood underneath. Almost touching the trees in the water is a bit of blue sky with a soft white cloud; and when you look up you see that same little cloud, but with a great deal of sky instead of a patch, because there are no trees up there. There are lovely little water-lilies round the far edge of the pond, and two or three of the big round leaves are turned up like sails. Near where I am standing three cows have come to drink, and one has got far into the water, nearly up to her neck,’ etc.

Strain on the Attention.––This, too, is an exercise children delight in, but, as it involves some strain on the attention, it is fatiguing, and should only be employed now and then. It is, however, well worth while to give children the habit of getting a bit of landscape by heart in this way, because it is the effort of recalling and reproducing that is fatiguing; while the altogether pleasurable act of seeing, fully and in detail, is likely to be repeated unconsciously until it becomes a habit by the child who is required now and then to reproduce what he sees.

Seeing Fully and in Detail.––At first the children will want a little help in the art of seeing. The mother will say, ‘Look at the reflection of the trees! There might be a wood under the water. What do those standing up leaves remind you of?’ And so on, until the children have noticed the salient points of the scene. She will even herself learn off two or three scenes, and describe them with closed eyes for the children’s amusement; and such little mimics are they, and at the same time so sympathetic, that any graceful fanciful touch which she throws into her descriptions will be reproduced with variations in theirs.

The children will delight in this game of picture-painting all the more if the mother introduce it by describing some great picture gallery she has seen––pictures of mountains, of moors, of stormy seas, of ploughed fields, of little children at play, of an old woman knitting,––and goes on to say, that though she does not paint her pictures on canvas and have them put in frames, she carries about with her just such a picture gallery; for whenever she sees anything lovely or interesting, she looks at it until she has the picture in her mind’s eye; and then she carries it away with her, her own for ever, a picture on view just when she wants it.

It’s good to revisit the books that formed you as a young mother. Eight years ago, Charlotte Mason was my Dr. Spock, and I carried out her recommendations as faithfully as our circumstances allowed. Now my little people are beginning to be bigger people, and it would be quite easy to forget this vision of what life can be like for little ones. I can’t promise four to six hours a day, of course! But one long afternoon a week? That I can aim for, and we’ll all be the better for it.

Now to find our "breezy opens"!

Girlswithostrich
Images courtesy of AntiqueClipart.com.

Saturday Outing: Cabrillo National Monument

Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes

    He star’d at the Pacific—and all his men
  Look’d at each other with a wild surmise—
    Silent, upon a peak in Darien.
 

                   —John Keats, "On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer"

Cabrillo4

Gorgeous sunny day yesterday, perfect for an outing we’d been planning. We drove out to Cabrillo National Monument, a Southern California landmark perched on a craggy hill on the tip of the San Diego peninsula. The views are spectacular: to your east, San Diego Bay cradling Coronado Island, and on the far side of the bay, the small cluster of skyscrapers that mark downtown San Diego, and the green hills beyond. To your west, the wide-open Pacific.

The peninsula, a long narrow finger of land, is called Point Loma. You reach it by following Harbor Drive past the airport and winding first west, then south through Fort Rosecranz National Cemetery. The rows and rows of white grave markers extending on both sides of the road reminded me of Arlington.

After we entered the Cabrillo site, we parked in a lot at the base of a stubby hill. The western view drew us to the wall for a long look.

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That lower road on the left leads to a beach with tidepools. It was chilly and windy on the point, and a few of us were missing jackets, so we decided to save tidepooling for another day.

A path leads up the little hill to an old lighthouse.

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The Old Point Loma Lighthouse guided sailors from 1855 through 1891. Unfortunately, the site proved to be too far from the tip of the peninsula, and fog often obscured the light.

Inside, rooms have been preserved just as the lighthouse keeper’s family might have left them. The main sitting room enchanted my girls; we imagined the lighthouse keeper’s daughters collecting the shells carefully arranged on a shelf or writing letters at the old flip-top desk with all the enticing cubbyholes. It’s the kind of place that sends book ideas charging into one’s mind…

We squeezed up the winding staircase to the bedroom level, but the tower level wasn’t open to the public.

Back down the stairs and through the gate, we found ourselves facing the Bay.

Cabrillogate

Unfortunately the camera battery died before I got pictures of the Bay. The kids loved seeing the gleaming curves of Coronado Bridge, which we’d driven over on a previous outing. (Veronica Mars viewers will remember the bridge as the setting for some significant scenes involving Logan Echolls’s mother and, later, Logan himself.)

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A goodish walk or a short drive from the lighthouse is the Cabrillo Visitor’s Center and a large statue of Juan Cabrillo himself. This picture is from his Wikipedia entry; there is a close-up of his face at the monument’s official website, where you can read all about Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo, the sixteenth-century Spanish explorer who "discovered" San Diego Bay.

"Cabrillo departed from the port of Navidad, Mexico, on June 27, 1542.
Three months later he arrived at "a very good enclosed port," which is
known today as San Diego Bay. Historians believe he anchored his
flagship, the San Salvador, on Point Loma’s east shore near Cabrillo
National Monument.  Cabrillo later died during the expedition, but his
crew pushed on, possibly as far north as Oregon, before thrashing
winter storms forced them to back to Mexico."

We drove by the Visitor’s Center but tummies were rumbling, and we decided to save that too for the next visit.

March 22nd

When I wrote my notebook post the other day, it totally escaped me that the ten-year anniversary of Jane’s diagnosis day was coming up, even though I wrote about the March 22nd entry from that notebook.

Ten years. This is incomprehensible to me. Scott and I were 28 years old, and Jane was 21 months, and we were a happy little unit right out of a Schoolhouse Rock song. "Three…is a magic number, yes it is. Man and a woman had a little baby, yes they did. It’s a magic number…"

Cozy Queens apartment, with landlords right out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Seriously. Mr. Pappas was in his seventies but going so strong as to make your average thirty-year-old appear a slacker. Former restauranteur, amateur woodworker (his first project? a gorgeous grandfather clock), master gardener. Figs and pears abounded in his sliver of backyard. He had a private recording studio in his basement for his original violin compositions. He told me he had been taught to play as a boy by gypsies in Greece. He had a lockbox over the thermostat in our apartment, and he was prone to digging through our garbage to make sure I had properly recycled everything. When he was angry, he shouted; but he was never angry with me, even when I threw out an empty plastic honey jar instead of washing and recycling it.

His wife was ten years younger, busy, bustling, kind yet sharp. She would leave fresh-baked baklava on the stairs leading to our apartment—the same stairs she vacuumed every Saturday morning at precisely 10:25 a.m. I should have asked her for housekeeping lessons, but it never occurred to me. Whenever she stopped in to visit, her glance would dart to the corners of our rooms and I knew she was counting the dust bunnies. Her busy hands could not resist sweeping the crumbs from my table, and I would wonder if her babies had been allowed to make messes at mealtime.

She was a warmhearted woman who adored my baby girl. She urged me many times to leave the baby with her while I did errands or shopping, but I never did. I felt guilty about not giving her the fun of babysitting, but I just plain couldn’t imagine going somewhere, anywhere, without Jane. I was (and remain) a staunch babywearer, and Jane rode all over New York City in my blue-striped sling. The day I met Alice, I was wearing that sling. The day I met most of my new San Diego friends, I was wearing Rilla in the very same sling.

When Jane was 21 months old, my life was full of La Leche League meetings (I was studying to become a leader) and excursions to Manhattan for meetings with my editors. We ran errands for an elderly blind woman on the next street, and we spent hours exploring the small shops and markets  in our neighborhood, where you could find dates and homemade sausage and whole skinned goats. Almost every day, we met Alice and her girls for bakery scones, playground adventures, and the noon Mass. They were golden days, and we knew it, Alice and I, with our collective trio of tiny lasses.

And then one day: the bruises, the doctor’s stricken face, the drive to the hospital with our hearts in our throats. Scott’s mother thought he was joking when he called to give her the terrible news. When I called Alice, I was shaking so hard the phone rattled against the wall.

Leukemia. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia, or ALL, which, if you’re a little kid and you have to have leukemia, is the best kind to get. It can be cured. Not always, but often. You’ll have two and a half years of chemo, and your hair will fall out, and you’ll endure a zillion needle-sticks. Your chemo drugs will mess with your heart, your kidneys, your liver. You’ll have ferocious mouth sores, and probably sores at the other end, where the toxic drugs come out. Your immune system will be wiped out, and a garden variety virus will buy you weeks of in-patient time. If you are exposed to chicken pox or shingles, you will be put into isolation, and your parents will spend the next two weeks in terror. The spectres of pneumonia and sepsis will haunt their sleep. With luck, you’ll be too young to know about such dangers, and your main concern will be having to force down another foul dose of prednisone, the bitterest substance on earth.

Broviac

I was still nursing her when she got sick, and I’m so thankful for that. I kept on nursing her all the way through her high-dose chemo and beyond, and it was big medicine for both of us. Some of the doctors gave me a hard time about it at first; she was almost two. Then she was two. Once, when her nausea was terrible and she couldn’t keep any solid food down at all, a resident told me I shouldn’t breastfeed her because "dairy is very hard on the stomach." I laughed in her face, I couldn’t help it. I told her I wasn’t a cow. Then I spouted facts at her about how breast milk is the most easily digestible substance there is for a human, etc etc etc, and for the next week Jane and I had a game where I would moo at her when she asked to nurse.

We laughed ourselves silly in that interminable string of hospital rooms, though you wouldn’t think there was anything to laugh about when your toddler and all the kids around her were fighting for their lives. We laughed when prednisone gave her a moon-face and a huge appetite, and she would practically push Scott off the bed in her urgency to get him to go get a pizza. Scott considered himself lucky; the little girl next door always got an unbearable craving for lobster on her prednisone weeks, and her parents were beginning to feel a little pinched in the wallet.

It was surreal to think how different Jane’s days were from the golden days of her infancy. No more playground visits, no church, no scones and milk in the bakery with Alice’s girls. No crowd scenes of any kind: she might catch something. I turned our tiny sunroom into a jungle for her, with hydroponic flowers and Waldorf toys. We were hardly ever home to enjoy it, though; her white count stayed so consistently low that we pretty much lived in the hospital for the first nine months. Scott wore himself out driving back and forth after work. That was also when he took over the laundry—not an enviable job, when your kid is throwing up all the time and your wife only gets over to the Ronald McDonald House for a shower about twice a week.

Hospitalbed

Prednisone moonface! Ronald McDonald House hair!

When she first got sick, of course I prayed for her to get better. But it was sort of an unarticulated prayer, so much a given that it did not need to be put in words. When I hunted for words, all I could ever come up with was a desperate plea for whatever time she has here to be filled with joy. Chemotherapy means suffering, and I was so afraid that she would spend months in misery and then if…if…if we lost her anyway…the thought was too terrible to finish. But it was there. Please let her time be filled with joy.

What I didn’t know was how much that prayer would rebound to bless me. A child can’t be happy if her mother, her constant companion, is constantly sad. I’ve written about this before, I think. I learned that the only person who could fill Jane’s days with joy was me. Scott was joy when he walked into the room at night, but during the day, happy was up to me. And I found out what a lot of wiser people already knew: act happy, and you become happy. Decide to be joyful, and suddenly you’re seeing joy everywhere.

I’m seriously religious; you know that; and for me the whole hospital experience was an immersion in how real and involved God is, and how joy is the food He wants to feed you.


I started this post this morning, before the day ran away with me, as my days are wont to do. I have the sense that if I keep writing, it will turn into a novel. That’s a book I’d like to write someday. I might have to do like Laura Ingalls Wilder did and wait until I’m sixty to start telling my tales. Right now we’re so busy making them. This morning Jane and I spent hours looking up longitudes and latitudes for our Journey North Mystery Class project, heads together over a spinning globe, losing our pens to Rilla and Wonderboy every five minutes. She laughs a lot, this big girl of mine, eleven and a half years old now, which boggles my mind. Golden-haired, passionate about Redwall, butterflies, and math; tender-hearted, talkative, merry. She throws back her head when she laughs. Her eyes shine. We should have named her Joy.

Making Lists, Checking Them Twice

Midwestern Lodestar is hosting this month’s Carnival of Children’s Literature. The CCL has been going strong for over a year now. I always look forward to exploring a new collection of posts. Perusing my archives yesterday, I was mildly chagrined to realize that I haven’t posted anything about children’s books all month. I guess I’ve been too busy reading books and writing books to write about, um, reading books or writing books.

I am reading a lot of books these days; my drafts file is bursting with reviews-in-progress. Maybe after I get my taxes done, I’ll have a chance to finish up some of those posts. I’m in one of those moods where I feel like everything needs tweaking. The housework schedule, the rhythm of our days, the reading lists. The pansies on my patio are looking ragged; time to retire them and find out what San Diego folks plant in March. Back in Virginia, we’d be trying to get our peas into the ground right about now.

I was digging through a box in the garage and found another stash of old notebooks. I have dozens of these small spiral notebooks stored away. For years, I have carried one around in my diaper bag or purse. Because, you know, I might die if I got stuck sitting somewhere with nothing to write on. This particular batch takes me waaay back. My goodness. When I was packing for the move last fall, I found the journal I began when Jane was first diagnosed with cancer in 1997. Alice brought it to the hospital on her Easter visit, about a week after the diagnosis. It was a nice bound, lined, hardcover journal from a bookstore. The one I found in the garage yesterday is the cheap, beat-up spiral I was using at the time of the diagnosis. It is bizarre to look back at how abruptly everything changed.

The first page is dated 12/2 (would have been 1996) and has a list of volunteer organizations. Covenant House, Recording for the Blind. I was looking for a way to give something back to the community, I recall, feeling so blessed to be home with my delicious baby. Then there’s a list of the people I sent Christmas cards to that year. Oh, what a cute little thing I was! So organized! Ha! Don’t get uppity, young me; it won’t last.

There are shopping notes for Christmas presents, and then a detour into a crash course on sewing machines. I remember getting paid for a freelance job and treating myself to a Singer, which I think I used about three times during the next five years.

Turn another page, and I must burst out laughing, because in the middle of a list of groceries is a large giraffe head. I remember that giraffe! Jane had a board book with a few simple line drawings of animals, and one day she wanted me to draw the pictures in that book. She was teeny tiny, maybe 18 months old. I practiced, I really did. I learned to sketch two animals on demand: an alligator and a giraffe. They are the only things I can whip out on a moment’s notice. Now fast forward about a year. I must have kept on drawing Jane’s giraffe and alligator well into her chemo days, because at one point during her hospital stay, the staff was painting a mural in the playroom and they were looking for someone to draw a rocketship. One of the nurses said, "Oh, get Jane’s mom, she’s a great artist." The playroom staff hunted me up and asked for my help, and I had to say, Sorry, I’m no help at all! Unless you’d like a giraffe in outer space!

Anyway, here is my giraffe head. Contented creature, isn’t she?

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Flipping on, I find notes for another freelance project, a list of emails to write (even then, I must have been behind on mail—who bothers to handwrite a list of people to whom one owes an email?), a phone number for someone named Becky, and then, goosebumps, pages and pages of notes about houses in North Carolina. We were planning to leave New York, you see. Scott was ready to go freelance, and we were heading for the country. My moving plans take up a quarter of the notebook.

But it was a plan-in-progress, and meanwhile, busy life went on. Here’s a page about a Carmen Sandiego book I wrote, a page—what am I, fourteen?—covered with my signature and the alphabet in italic. Perhaps I felt that my penmanship needed an overhaul; I have no recollection of this.

Flight plans: Jane and I were booked for a scouting trip to NC. Drawings of hands! Margin notes indicate I was working through Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. Gosh, sewing, drawing, volunteering, writing; what a busy little bee I was.

Scrawled directions to my friend’s house in NC. (I guess the italics didn’t take.) Jane has ornamented this page with green marker, which probably explains why I got lost when we drove from the airport to this location. This means we’re now in early March of ’97. I am blithely filling pages with travel notes. I have no idea what’s about to hit us.

Oh, ouch. A draft of a thank-you note I wrote the regal old woman who owned the little rental house I picked out. The rental had once been a small train station on a prosperous farm in Greensboro, NC. Mrs. R. still lived in the "big house" and rented the farm and other buildings to various artsy types: a poet, a sculptor, a young couple who planned to homeschool their small brood. Scott and I were going to fit right in.

It was v. nice to meet you last Sat during my visit w/ Louise. Jane & I really enjoyed seeing the farm. I will visit Gboro again in June, and I will check in with you then. Until then, my best wishes for a beautiful spring!

A blank page.

Then:

3/15—Sat. Write: Aunt Bettye, Pam, S & D, Holly

And then some empty lines, and at the bottom of the page, my mother-in-law’s handwriting.

leukemia

3/24 moved to room 215 Hem/Onc unit

Jiminy crickets.

I must have handed her the notebook at some point, and she opened at random, because the next pages are my own notes from our first days in the hospital, which began on March 22nd. We are plunged into lists of antibiotics and blood counts. It seems to have taken me a few days to figure out Jane was getting "prednisone," not "pregnisone." Each new drug name is followed by a list of side effects. I must have been scribbling down as fast as I could to keep up with the doctors.

But the hospital notes break off as abruptly as they began, because, as I said, Alice brought me the nice journal sometime that first week. Perhaps stranger than the sudden advent of the cancer pages is the equally sudden return to humdrum chore lists. I seem to have grabbed this notebook off the shelf about a year and a half later, for there is a page dated November 1998 which details a Staples shopping list, people to whom I owed thank-you notes, and subscription renewal info for Mothering magazine.

—check Mary Beth’s address
— Lifetime Books return
—order science kit for Samantha

It’s been a long time since I thought of it, but I remember feeling soaringly happy one day about a year into Jane’s treatment, when there was a nasty foul-up on our credit-card statement that had me sputtering with six kinds of indignation, and then suddenly I realized what a luxury it was to be worried about nothing more serious than a billing error. For a long, long time afterward, I looked at to-do lists with a fresh perspective. Each nitpicky little task on the list seemed a kind of gift: here, Lissa, you are free to get caught up in the mundanities of life once more. But first go kiss that girl of yours.

Somewhere in my garage is a spiral, I’m sure, containing notes about planting peas in Virginia in March. One day, years from now, I’ll no doubt stumble upon the notebook I’m scribbling in this month. I’ll find notes about Wonderboy’s speech therapy and last week’s house closing, and, yes, that same silly giraffe smiling coyly beneath long-lashed eyes. Will I laugh at myself, the young scatterbrain I was, all wrapped up in transient daily details, oblivious to the surprises lurking beyond the turn of the page?

I hope so.

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Jane and Rilla. Blurry, because like life, they do not stand still.

Saturday Hodgepodge

I have an in-box full of email (again), a file full of posts-in-progress, and a head cluttered with a bunch more post ideas. I think I’ll declare today a cyber-decluttering day and just cram everything into one big messy post.

The Lucky Scrotum Matter, Revisited

I liked Monica Edinger’s post on the subject at educating alice. She told her class of fourth-graders about the controversy and read them the "offending" page.

When I reached the dreaded scrotum passage there was no reaction
whatsoever… no confusion, no giggles, no questioning. I kept going to
“….he killed that snake even though it bit him in the place where it
hurts the worst for a male…” (3) where there might have been a smile or
two, but no more. After a few more paragraphs I stopped. Eager hands
went up. “It is about the drinking, right?” Others nodded. Finally, one
said, “It’s about what happened to the dog?” The two who already knew
and I nodded. And the kids all said they didn’t get it. That they see
dogs with scrota every day after all. That it was no big deal.

She links to another Times piece on the book (this time an editorial) and some letters to the editor.

Chocolately Goodness for the Ears

I pulled into the library parking lot yesterday morning and put the minivan into park, only to be met with an aggrieved "Mommy, how COULD you???" from Rose—who was the child who begged me to take everyone to the library in the first place. My crime? Turning off the ignition, therefore cutting off Eric Idle in midsentence.

See, we are listening to Charlie and The Chocolate Factory on CD, and Rose isn’t the only one captivated by Eric Idle’s performance. He makes a deliciously funny book even funnier. The voices, oh, the voices! It’s Monty Python on a serious sugar high. I had to play some for Scott, just to watch him weep. He yelled at me too when I turned it off.

We actually did bail on our library trip yesterday. At the girls’ impassioned request, I just drove around for a while so they could keep on listening to the story. We had about twenty minutes to kill before our next appointment, and it would have been tough to squeeze a library visit into that short span of time anyway.

Speaking of Appointments

Yesterday afternoon, Wonderboy had an appointement with a neurologist. Our new pediatrician wants him to make a new-patient visit to all the subspecialists he was seeing in Virginia. This, on top of his speech therapy and audiology appointments, makes for a dizzying amount of running around. I’m tired of it, and we have barely begun.

At least the children’s hospital (where most of these sub-specialties are located) isn’t too awfully far: it’s about a 20-minute drive on San Diego’s fabulous freeways. I adore the freeways here. Have I mentioned that? There are a million of them, more or less, all over the place, and unless you have the misfortune of needing to travel at rush hour like my poor hubby, driving on these highways is positively zippy. Zip, zip, everywhere. And the road signs say exotic things like "Los Angeles, right lane" or "Mexico, keep left." Zip!

But yesterday, it just so happened that I was running a teensy bit late. Not VERY late, just a little. I suppose I should count my blessings because it’s possible that if I’d been on time, I’d have wound up IN the accident that brought traffic to a standstill on the I-8 just minutes after we zipped onto it. Stand. Still.

I knew I was now going to be late to the neurology appointment. I made a frantic call to Scott to tell him to call the doctor’s office and explain that I was ON MY WAY. He was happy to oblige, except for the tiny complication of his not exactly being in the office at that exact moment. I’d caught him on his lunch break, in line at the grocery store. He promised to hurry back to work and make the call. I’d have done it myself but I didn’t know the number by heart, and digging through my bag for my Wonderboy Medical Records Notebook isn’t something I was in a position to do at that moment. Nor was dialing the phone. I can punch Scott’s speed-dial with my thumb, but more than that I dare not do while driving, even at non-zippy speeds.

I arrived at the neuro’s office 20 minutes late for our appointment. The waiting room was empty and I figured they’d taken the next patient already. No problem, right? Oh so wrong. The receptionist sort of jumped when I gave her Wonderboy’s name.

"You didn’t hear? We canceled your appointment."

"Oh no!" I cried. "My husband called to let you know we were going to be late! Accident on the 8!"

She hadn’t caught the details, just the "going to be late" part. Shrugging apologetically, she informed me that the doctor had already given our slot another patient, and after that he had a meeting, but he could see us at 9 a.m. Monday morning.

I could make this a very long story, but without a nice happy ending, I don’t have the heart. Here’s the nutshell version: the doctor wouldn’t see us. Even though the next patient wasn’t due for another 20 minutes. Even though Dr. Neurologist was sitting alone in his office on the other side of the wall. He needed forty minutes for a new patient app, he insisted, and he’d already moved the 3:40 patient to come in at 3:00 and then he had a meeting at 3:40. My pleas to just squeeze in a quick 20-minute app fell on deaf ears. Well, actually they fell on the receptionist’s fairly sympathetic ears, but I could hear her relaying them to the doctor and HE was certainly not responding in a manner indicative of having heard with compassion or understanding.

I turned down the Monday-at-nine appointment, much to their surprise; I told them I had no more openings in my schedule until April.

"Really?" blinked the receptionist.

"Yup," I said, loudly, assuming that if I could hear the doctor through the wall, he could hear me. I explained that my son sees a number of other subspecialists and has consults stacked up through the end of April. There’s always the possibility the doctor will realize he missed out on the chance to pick up an unusual case, and next time maybe he’ll be a little more open to making creative adjustments for unavoidable delays. Slim possibility, but I’m an optimist.

(Hmm, look at that, I did make it a long story anyway.)

A Much Pleasanter Subject

Wednesday’s mail brought a serendipitous conjunction of treasures: a pile of nice fat letters from our dear friend Keri, who is in the middle of a year-long wandering in the Far East, and a copy of Richard Halliburton’s The Royal Road to Romance. The latter is Halliburton’s engaging account of his own Far-East travels. We savored Keri’s letters over breakfast Thursday morning—they are gems, and I am sharing them over at Lilting House—delighting in the soft, petal-strewn, handpressed paper and the colorful descriptions of Thailand penned in Keri’s friendly handwriting. And then of course we had to dive right into the Halliburton book, skipping directly to his Bangkok chapter and comparing his route to Keri’s on the globe. We’ll go back and start at the beginning when I figure out how to make time for one more book in our daily-reading pile.

I’m in My Junior Year of Blogging Now

GottaBook’s Gregory K., inventor of the poetry form known as the Fib, shares a fib in honor of his blog’s one-year anniversary. This reminded me that I missed my own two-year blog anniversary in January. Here’s what I started with:

"You really have your hands full."

This is what I’m always hearing from people, variations on the
theme. Either I have too many balls in the air or too much food on my
plate, or maybe it’s PLATES I’m supposed to be juggling instead of
balls, and I guess in that case any amount of food would be too much.
And it’s true, I’ve had plenty of days when it seems like the
metaphorical spaghetti is raining down upon my head. Especially this
past year, since the baby was born.

But I’m of the mind that a little pasta in the hair can be a good thing, metaphorically speaking.

Full hands are a blessing. Juggling can be exciting. A plate heaped
with food is generally considered something to be thankful for.

And oh boy am I thankful. Sometimes I’m dizzy with thanks. Other
times I’m just dizzy—life whirls by so quickly. What’s on the spinning
plates is a blur. So I thought I’d write about what’s on each dish, the
whole savory smorgasbord.

Happy to say nothing has changed (despite everything having changed this year). I’m still dizzy, and thankful, and savoring the feast.

How to Mess with Your Wife’s Head

So yesterday I was sitting on the couch between Rose and Bean. Rose was working away at her Latin, and Beanie was absorbed with an old Singapore Math workbook she found last week. It has lots of untouched pages, so she claimed it as her own. It has pictures of bunnies, you see, and pieces of candy for you to add and subtract. I mean, come on, bunnies! Black ones, white ones, and you can add them together and have lots of bunnies, or take some away and sigh wistfully over how few are left!

Jane was off writing a Plutarch narration for me, and Wonderboy was bopping around the house as he is wont to do. There might, after all, be some doors that need closing. Somewhere. A boy can hope.

The phone rang: it was Scott, calling from work. I like it better when he calls my cell phone, because then I can hear the special ringtone I assigned to his number, but this was just the boring land line.

"Put me on speaker phone," he said. Done.

His voice boomed into the room. "Bean! If you have five bunnies and you take away the three white ones, how many bunnies do you have left?"

Rose, Beanie, and I stared at the couch. How did he know? We are close, this man and I, but telepathically linked? Not so much.

Suddenly I hear a low chuckle from down the hall. The chuckle of a three-year-old who is most exceedingly pleased with himself. A three-year-old who has gotten hold of mommy’s cell phone, and has managed to dial his father, and now even his less-than-stellar hearing is picking up Daddy—in stereo.

I Bet Mama Whales Never Feel Crowded at Night

Beanie had a high fever last night, so I let her sleep with me. Around four in the morning she whimpered a complaint: "I don’t have enough space!" Um, child, may I point out there are two feet of empty bed on the other side of you? (Daddy having vacated to sleep with fever victim #2, his son.)

Our whispered conversation roused the baby, of course. (That would be the child sleeping on the other side of me, with two feet of empty space on HER side, too.) I rolled over to nurse Rilla. Beanie, left alone in her vast expanse of bed space, began to muse.

"Mommy, did you know that whales are mammals?"

Me:  "Yes. They nurse their babies too, just like people."

Bean: "Well, not JUST like people. They nurse them underwater."

(P.S. Fever is down this morning, yay.)

Happy Christmas

When we made this video a year ago, we didn’t know we’d just spent our last Christmas in that house.

So much has happened since last Christmas! A year ago, I could never have guessed that we would leave Virginia for a big adventure in Southern California—much less that the kids and I would spend three months separated from Scott. Last December, we were anticipating Rilla’s arrival in the spring, and that was about as far ahead as my mind was leaping.

I began 2005 with this resolution (inspired by a Robert Frost poem): "To keep hold of the important things, stopping to restack the load as often as necessary." I have to smile now, thinking of how often that load needed restacking as we packed up our house and made our way across the country—leaving a trail of baby socks and hard goodbyes in our wake.

Despite the difficulty of parting with dearly loved friends, I can look
back and see that this has been a year of abundant blessings for my
little clan. In January, we savored Ordinary Time, the occasional bump and bruise notwithstanding. February we worked on habits and indulged in berries. In March—oh, in March I was very pregnant and overwhelmed with the joy of watching Wonderboy learn to speak.

April brought us this treasure and this incredible milestone. In May, I began to blog for ClubMom in between diaper changes and picture books. In June, our caterpillars got clobbered, our favorite family got bigger, and Scott got a job offer.

July was a whirlwind: Rilla’s baptism and Rose’s First Communion, Scott’s departure, my reintroduction to laundry. In August we missed Scott like crazy and squeezed in visits with some dear East Coast friends.

September was all about packing, oh, the horror of packing. Speaking of horror, we discovered the startling truth about the Pillsbury Doughboy. And then in October, all the butterflies of the Blue Ridge came to bid us goodbye, and our odyssey began.

Has it really only been ten weeks since we left Virginia? It seems so faraway…and yet in other respects it seems impossible to believe we’ve been here in California for two months already. I still feel like we just walked in the door. But here it is Christmas Eve, and the colored lights are shining beneath the palm trees. Merry, merry Christmas to our friends both old and new, and that includes our blog friends, whose kind comments and thoughtful posts gave us such joy this year. We wish you all great joy and abundant blessings, too.